Where I thought I would have been by now

All of my close friends and family know I've really been in a downwerd funk the past month. I really was worried for awhile because I couldn't figure out why I just couldn't seem to wake up out of this depression. It seems that I sleep, eat, walk, talk, live this thing thats been getting to me.

Part of my worries is I suffer from clinical depression, ADD, OCD, Borderline Personallity Disorder, and Impulse Control. I've let myself go untreated for years now, just hoping time would heal. Anyone who has any metal illnesses knows this isn't true, its just a lie you tell yourself.

The other day though I had a breakthough. Today I turn 25 and I had so many expetations set for this part of my life, and for the most part I've compleatly fell short. I never reliezed I slowly just started hating myself from the inside out.

Living up the Jones will always keep you down. I have been setting my standerds based on where my friends and family are and want me to be than where Emily is truly happy. Not that I dont want or need to better myself, but on Emily's time, not everyone elses.

Looking back at where I have been and where I could be, well, it could and should be compleatly different. I don't know how I've done it but I kept afloat though hell and high waters. Really, looking at it I've done and seen things and places that not many people my age have. Now I can truly say I am ready to be a grown up. Instead of rushing myself like I seen alot of my peers do and when they look back they are totally unhappy.

Questions like " Why don't you have any children yet?" , "Why did you never go back to school?" and "Why aren't you married yet?" always just made me sad and angry. I want all those these things. I have since I was little. But the road I've travelled has shown me that all good things do come in time. If I had children I couldn't have fun like I do. The school thing really is just me needing to light a fire under my butt. Well for marriage, just till now have I really dated anyone worth spending my life with. Not that I haven't had a few good boyfriends but it and they just wern't the right thing. Atleast i'm not living with "what if?"

So, now at 25, its time for me to grow and stop looking at life as what everyone else has and looking at the postitives in my life. I have the most wonderful set of parents I could have ever been blessed with. I couldn't imagine having a better boyfriend, anything more would just be really unrealistic. Not like he's prefect, but he loves me and he's there when I need a rock and strong arms to keep me safe. Along with Brandon came the most beautiful set of little girls I could ever want and his mother and father that have been supportive though so much. My family just keeps growning, so do my friends. Brandons friends have just been amazing, I couldn't really ever ask for a better bunch of people to have around. Not to forget my family and true friends, you've been there though the flames and the storms and I am always greatful.

So as another year revolves around the sun I am going to keep my head up. Things can and will get better. I just need to keep doing the right thing and keeping postitive people around me. My goal is just to be more happy and stop letting the world keep me down!